Au pays Natal: to the homeland

• 
  Descending,
  An orbit gone wrong,
  
  Europa rely,
  Europa will rely,
  
  The monolith is calling me.
  The monolith is calling me.
  
  Living on the ideal of,
  borrowed time.
  
  Living on your own,
  the darkness of the light,
  the silence in between,
  I remember your eyes,
  and softness of the skin,
  
  Living on your own,
  borrowed time.
  
  The monolith is calling me,
  the names of all the ones I loved,
  no time in space,
  no day or night to know,
  how long I’ve been away from your home,
  how long – I’ve drifted away - I’ve drifted away
  
  An orbit gone wrong,
  The shell of a man,
  has lost his form again,
  The shell of man.
  Forgotten form,
  an orbit gone wrong
  Descending,
  an orbit gone wrong.
  
  Borrowed time,
  can't show me.
  Monolith is calling,
  descending, the names of
  my own memories.
  
  This shell of a man has forgotten,
  his human form at last,
  shell of a man forgotten,
  his human form again
  
  Look to the sky for Mary.
  Bleed up to the light.
  Shell of a man forgotten,
  his human form at last,
  shell of man,
  forgotten human form.
  
  Your dream died today.
  
  Turn it around,
  crumbling odds,
  your failed me,
  turn it around,
  crumbling down,
  you failed me.
  
  Shell of a man forgotten, bleed up to the light
  Shell of a man forgotten his human form again.
  Shell of a man Europa - lift me up.
  Shell of man, turning over, your dream died today.
  Shell of man has forgotten human form - you failed me
  Shell of man, forgotten human form
  Shell of man, your dream died today
  Shell of man forgotten
  Shell of man. Living on borrowed time.
  
• 
  

Darkness.

“Darkness, so pure not a single ray of light can find it’s way to me. How long have I soaked in this darkness…eternity? Though at times I think just a moment. I feel nothing, as though there were nothing and I am floating in it. I have preserved my sanity, have I not? Or did I lose it somewhere? And yet in this darkness and its fantasies, one thing is still clear in my mind. That alone like lighting splitting through the darkness, she appears so vividly in my mind. Over and over again it swells and sinks like the waves of a tsunami. Hatred, friendship, jealousy, indignation, emptiness, love, sorrow… They all come together in a single great storm. Driving a stake through my mind, holding my consciences together. The one who cast me into this darkness, she is now my anchor. The woman whose life was once in my hands. When did I fall under your control? I see you now, radiating so brilliantly it blinds me…”

Clean

Clean....The cleanest I've been
An end to the tears
And the in-between years
And the troubles I've seen 
Now that I'm clean
You know what I mean
I've broken my fall
Put an end to it all
I've changed my routine
Now I'm clean 
I don't understand
What destiny's planned
I'm starting to grasp
What is in my own hands 
I don't claim to know
Where my holiness goes
I just know that I like
What is starting to show 
Sometimes 
Clean
The cleanest I've been
An end to the tears
And the in-between years
And the troubles I've seen 
Now that I'm clean
You know what I mean
I've broken my fall
Put an end to it all
I've changed my routine
Now I'm clean 
As years go by
All the feelings inside
Twist and they turn
As they ride with the tide
I don't advise
And I don't criticise
I just know what I like
With my own eyes 
Sometimes 
Clean
The cleanest I've been
An end to the tears
And the in-between years
And the troubles I've seen 
Now that I'm clean
You know what I mean
I've broken my fall
Put an end to it all
I've changed my routine
Now I'm clean 
Sometimes

Pretty soon someone will be hired to deliver my heart in a box...

Policy of Truth...

You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn't you
Now you're not satisfied
With what you're being put through

It's just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth

Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilised
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you'd only lied

It's too late to change events
It's time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before
Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You'll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

Never again
Is what you swore
The time before

This is what I get.

Why do I bother?

I used to go get steak with dad on my birthday...

It's awesome having to beg your friends to get together for your own birthday.

Not only is my family "fair weather" so are my friends.

"Oh, you're like a sister to me..."

"You're the only family I have..."

I wish you could text message people in heaven

Hurt

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing that's real

The needle tears a hole

The old familiar sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit

Upon my liar's chair

Full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear

You are someone else

I am still right here

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If I could start again

A million miles away

I will keep myself

I would find a way

Birthday mixed cd request time :)

All I want for Christmas is...

My Dad.

He would read us The Polar Express on Christmas Eve.

No matter how tough things were he always made sure that it was special for us. He always held it together during tough financial times and was the best Santa. 

I wish I could be that great of a parent.

I can only hope my kids feel the same way about me as I do about my father.

Maybe someday I will be able to have a perfect holiday season. A perfect holiday season when I can feel the magic during this time of year like I once did as a child.

Not as I do now crippled with depression, sadness and anxiety.

All I want for Christmas is you (dad)

In for the kill

We can fight our desires
But when we start making fires
We get ever so hot
Whether we like it or not
They say we can love who we trust
But what is love without lust?
Two hearts with accurate devotions
And what are feelings without emotions?

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

I hang my hopes out on the line
Will they be ready for you in time
If you leave them out too long
They'll be withered by the sun
Full stops and exclamation marks
My words stumble before I start
How far can you send emotions?
Can this bridge cross the ocean?

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand


Let's go to war
To make peace
Let's be cold
To create heat
I hope in darkness
We can see
And you're not blinded by the light from me

I'm going in for the kill
I'm doing it for a thrill
Oh I'm hoping you'll understand
And not let go of my hand

Can't win...ever!